Beating the Wall
When I escaped, I did so with two bin bags worth of old clothes (most of which would be considered “done” by most people), a mobile phone and my car (which is over 10 years old). The other thing I was obliged to bring with me was the bills. You can not just walk away from a mortgage, bank loans and other accumulated debt. During the “marriage” these things were used to
- keep me there as I could not afford to leave.
- Control my social life/movements as both of those cost money.
In my currant state it is still affecting my ability to socialise for the same reason, and it is removing any chance I have of Independent Living, another bar on the form of social life I desire. This situation will only be resolved when my house is sold and debts are settled. I had been seeing this as a wall hampering my progress, however today I realised I had just been looking for progress in areas I could not affect.
I came down the stairs and announced “I am going to get my hair cut”. This should not be strange in any way, yet it is. While I lived with “her” that would have been voiced “can I get my hair cut” or better still “when is a good time for me to get my hair cut”. Grooming is something people just do, not something you should need to seek permission for. Also, when you are in your forties, you should not, like a child be “taken” to the barbers and picked up afterwords, in order to insure you “come straight home”. In just deciding to go, and not have it questioned I realised I had gained something much more important than money. I have the ability to make decisions and control of my time. This is the progress I thought was absent. With the ability to make decisions, comes the ability to define what success is, because that is a individual matter. For me success is not asking permission to get my hair cut. Success is not being worried about going home because someone there needs to shout at me for 15 to 20 minutes in order to “feel comfortable”. Success is not being told what my itinerary is when I have time of work. Success is writing a poem instead of looking at a T.V. Screen on pause for a hour while “she” does something else. Success is meeting new people, both on line and in “the world”. Success is knowing people actually care about me, and me caring for them. Success is 119 poems, 75 “fans” and over a thousand comments on Allpoetry. Success is 6 Gold 5 Silver 3 Bronze and 17 Honorable Mentions in contests. Success is 20 people following my blog. Success is 15 “likes” on my Forty Two facebook page. I know those figures are not large, but they are a beginning for someone that is starting from close to nothing. Success is people asking me to help with a letter of complaint because they believe I write well. Success is Not being called useless or a retard. Success is all this and a million other things.
It would seam I have came farther that I believed. I have defiantly came farther than I thought was possible. I am under no illusion that I have a distance to travel yet. My reason for posting this is not to boast, and I sincerely hope it does not read in a boastful way. My aim is to show any person that is in the same position as myself, or yet to escape that success is possible. What one person can do so can another, and part of freedom is setting your own definition of success. We can all make it !
The financial end will be resolved at some stage, until then I will work on growing in the areas I can affect. It simply means “making do” until the house sells. I can do that. Im good at “making do”, I should be, I’ve had 25 Years practice ! I can do it, we can all do it. Victims of abuse are amazing creatures, we can do anything, thats how we survive !