Mothers, we need to talk about your Son’s
It has been said we are born with only two personality traits, fear of loud noises and fear of heights. Some people have put spiders into that category. I do not know how accurate that list is, or could become. However I can say definitely that our social skills, how we interact with people is a learned behaviour. We learn this from our parents, our siblings and the wider world as we grow and venture outside the family. This is how we, as people learn what is a correct or acceptable way to behave, both for ourselves and those around us. This is what normal will feel like for the rest of our lives. Given that each person will live through a unique set of experiences to define this version of normal, we must understand that “normal” for society does not exist. There is only what happens to a individual yesterday, today and probably tomorrow. A normal for them alone.
This is why society developed laws, a code of acceptable conduct. Had “Normal” been a real form of behavior, those laws would not be needed as everyone would have the same moral code.
Currently boys are being bombarded by messages about how to behave. There is also a significant amount of media directed at men about how to teach boys good habits. These have a tendency to revolve around gentlemanly conduct. Be courteous to girls, stick up for them, protect girls. Pay for dates, open doors, watch your mouth. God dammit man up, get a job, work long hours, spend money on her and above all, never ever hit a girl, thats not how we do things around here.
However nothing is being said about what way boys should expect to be treated. These messages are devoid of any mention of their self respect. Boys are not being taught that they have worth, not only to themselves but to others. Someone must teach this message. Someone needs to be telling your sons that are a catch, and it will be a lucky girl that gets them. This absence of being taught they deserve to be treated well and if they are not they should leave is akin to sending them onto a battlefield without going through basic training. They will get mauled, it is that simple. This is a time bomb, and the biggest problem that boys currently face. This is where mothers can save their sons, let me explain.
The only way your son will learn what a loving relationship built on trust and respect looks like is if you show him one on a daily basis. If you, as his mother respect his father he will expect his future wife/partner to do the same. If problems are discussed and rational discussions made, he will expect this. If you allow his father to fulfill his roll as head of the house properly he will expect to do likewise. If however he sees you, his mother constantly criticise his father he will think this is normal. Likewise If problems are met with screaming. If you undermine his fathers authority he will never expect to have any. If you hit his father he will not see this as wrong. If you have separated from his father on the basis that the family is better off without him, expect this to happen to your son. If you see your partner, his father as a source of income, this is the roll your son will take on.
Also consider this. Lets say you son meets a girl who is not suitable for him. Do you want him to think he is lucky to have her or know that he deserves better ? Your only chance at this point is to be able to point out her bad behavior and state this is not how a healthy relationship should look. This will not work however if you, as his mother have been displaying the same traits throughout your life. Here is the kicker.
The overwhelming majority of male victims of domestic abuse do not speak out or seek help let alone leave there abusive partner. This is less strange than it seems. They simply fail to recognise shouting, hitting or throwing things as abusive. They think due to superior strength they should just be able to take it. If they can not recognise that as abusive they definitely will not recognise manipulative psychological abuse. You will notice there are constant examples of “strong women” in television and films. There is no destination between where “Strong women” or “nagging wife” stops and abusive people begin. We know where abuse against women and girls starts, zero tolerance. With women abusing men, its blared lines. Mothers, you must teach your sons this. If you fail to do this you will be training your son to be a victim of domestic abuse, and I know you don’t want that.
Your choice is simple. You can treat the men in your life like worthwhile human beings, or expect your sons back at your house or homeless on the wrong side of 45. Perhaps writing blog peaces stating that if something is not done now a generation of boys will be wrung out and their carcass’s fed to the vultures. I almost forgot the really scary part, when his partner has total control of his kids, thats your grandkids. Good luck seeing them.
Whats it going to be, Mom.